What is Marriage? – From fighting Dragons to attaining the Grail.

When I was younger I was filled with thoughts of romance and finding my maiden in a tower. That one day I would stumble across a damsel in distress that I could prove my love for and we would live happily married ever after.  That was pre puberty when love meant hugs and kisses and proving it meant killing dragons.

During the hormonal shift of my youth, with the help from the father figures in my life, I started to morph the killing dragons into opening doors, lifting heavy boxes and prying lids off of pickle jars. Definitely not as grand as killing dragons but it was still an opportunity to prove my valor. To be honest, I was good at it.  I would often earn praises and comments like “some day you will make a great husband”.

Oh those were the days… when it was as simple as being polite and playing the roll of a valet to secure my ingrained need to be chivalries and fulfill my masculine role.  Then high school and equality hit and opening the door for someone became an insult. If we offered to open the pickle jar we might as well had called her weak. High school happened and the quest was derailed.

What happened to this 14 year old boy who had been told he would be a great husband?  Confused and having lost his ability to fulfill the role he had been raised to do, he started to listen. He started to watch how the media painted women; powerful, sexy, single, etc.  He started to see the women in his life mirroring these rolls as promiscuity in culture, everywhere from dress code to porn, started to become the status quo. Gone was the vision of his youth were the men would fight for their honor and in its place was a melting pot of young adults, hormonally charged, hopping and skipping out of high schools.

Through the ensuing years, I fell in and out of different relationships, with the confusion rising. From girls that tried to save my soul to girls who wanted to dance with the devil all night long. I started to buy into the picture that the sitcoms were painting; that we can’t live with them and we cant live with out them and that the opposite sex was to never again make as much sense as saving a maiden from a tower.

However, dancing eventually gets monotonies especially if it is the short dances of a shallow relationship.  So I decided to try once again for the holly grail of marriage and hope that maybe the praise I had received; that someday I would make a good husband, might have some validity to it.

After many failed attempts I found someone who was willing to take that leap with me. No she wasn’t in a tower, there were no dragons or curses, just a fellow human being as confused about the opposite sex as I was but as equally willing to commit to the vision of marriage.

The wedding was a dream; friends, family, love and later the honeymoon. Here I was, getting married and moving forward with chalice in hand. More often then not a fellow grail holder would pause and impart words of wisdom from their definition of marriage as they shared in our joyous day.

Married life was wonderful. I was drinking out of the grail and the water was great. Every once in a while my wife and I would put on the boxing gloves come to the center of the ring and touch love but other then that we road the crest of the honey moon phase for two whole years! Two years of good old fashion twitterpation… and then the water went dry.

In retrospect the water slowly went dry but the increase of responsibility had distracted us from noticing it. Upon realization we did a pulse check; do we still love each other? Yes. Do we still choose to be with each other? Yes. But the honeymoon phase was over, the grail empty and in its place was the same question.

Which brings me full circle; what is marriage? What were we committing to? I pulled up the vows that we wrote and read aloud at our wedding. They were beautiful words of a never ending love, for all eternity, no matter the trial or tribulation. There were words shared by the minister about through sickness and in health, some tears were shed and then “you may kiss the bride”.

If you would have asked me right after the kiss what my definition of marriage was, it would have been “marriage is a choice, a choice to be with one other person.” The beautiful woman across from me would have given a similar definition, plus or minus some more elaborate words about eternity.

However, the longer we were married the more it became apparent that each of our definitions on marriage were bigger then originally thought.  They started to include things like to be married means; you agree, you care, you listen, you come home right after work, you cook, you don’t walk away when I am talking to you, you don’t yell when our son is around, you have to do something with your life, you don’t freak out in public and you don’t act crazy.

I thought I had moved from dragons to doors, from pickle jars to shallow dances, and then leaving it all behind to dive into the depths marriage. Three years later I realized that I hadn’t moved on. Instead, I had brought all of these experiences into my marriage and more.  Not only had my need to be chivalrous joined my definition but past histories combined with the many definitions that television, movies, churches, family and society had so graciously added to our definition had created an obstacle course for my wife to dance around.

As friends and family joined the tradition of marriage, I found my self speaking my grail definition, joining the echo of those who so generously spoke at our wedding. Let me ask you this dear reader, what is your definition of marriage? If I were getting married today, what would you tell me about marriage?

Upon the realization of my ever expanding definition of marriage I was tempted to wipe the slate clean. Marriage is undefined, there is only love. I shared this wonderful epiphany with my spouse and she sarcastically replied saying “If it isn’t defined, doesn’t that mean you can cheat on me”. This snide remark showed the large holes in my new plan, had me throwing out the clean slate approach and left me to contemplation.

A few weeks went by as I continued to chew on this question of marriage. I inquired into the relationships that didn’t last and what tore them apart. I observed the relationships that stood the test of time and asked what made them so resilient. Each person shared their picture of marriage with me.

Each relationship was different but in the relationships that seemed to have a grasp on the grail, there were some reoccurring themes. These insights gave me hope; I picked up my sword and put my shield back on. Not to fight dragons, not to open the door and most importantly; not alone.

I had been on this journey for the grail by myself since my youth and even though I had said I do, I was saying I do to my description of marriage and my wife to hers. I was close when I was attempting to wipe the slate clean. Not to leave it empty in the vast see of definitions but to create a new definition of marriage with my spouse.  Weave a detailed tapestry that defines what we are choosing to create, bring the beauty from history, the clarity of the moment and using it as a guide post for our future.

Instead of using my armor to protect myself from her overwhelming definition and my weapons to push my description on her, we stand side by side with a creed in our marriage that embodies our relationship.  Instead of needing to agree so that we might feel complete in our role, we create the foundation on which we choose to stand and let the rest do as it may.

Needless to say, this new quest is not easy and we may never arrive.  However, now we have a direction, our direction! And I can’t think of a more beautiful way to spend a life long journey then with my wife.

I pray that your relationship does not get lost in your definition. Instead, I leave you with this blessing; that you might spend the rest of your life defining the depths of marriage with the one you love.

Sincerely,

John C. Rogers

-          This article is dedicated to J and Megan Looney. Thank you for being an inspiration and a light in our marriage for both Mimi and I.

Dancing into my body

5 Months ago I was talking to a wonderful inspiration of mine, Saara Ullery from the Web of Life Wellness Center.  During our discussion the topic of frustration came up. I shared how increasingly I was becoming more agitated when I came in contact with less then perfect situations. Like I was distant from what was happening around me and making contact was like nails on a chalk board.

She offered the suggestion that maybe it was because I was not fully grounded.  Being a person that does many meditations, prayers, healing modalities, etc. it was hard at first glance for me to see this being the case.

We continued to talk about what I do to ground and she pointed out the difference between grounding and connecting to source, the universe, God, etc.  A light bulb went off in my head as I realized I had been running through the universe manifesting, creating, learning and much more but with out fully touching back on earth.

The reason I share this in a post titled Dancing Into My Body is because when Saara asked me what I feel really connects me to the ground to solid matter; rocks, dirt, bones, etc. the first thing that came to mind (at full force) was dancing.

…Dancing? So before I go further I have to share a few things about myself. Yes I used to dance in high school and the few years that came after.  I would Swing Dance with the Bingham Swing Team. My friend and cousin, Ryan Campbell ran the Swing team… come on it was a great way to meet girls. Even more often then Swing dancing, I would head out for a night on the town, dancing to everything from 80’s music to techno, occasionally to meet girls but mostly just to dance.

I walked away from my meeting with Saara with a determination to dance my way into being grounded. But were does a 27 year old family man go dancing? Yes I could run to a club during 80’s night and get my grove on but I want to dance to become grounded, not to swim in a sea of hormones and alcohol.

Now to fast forward…  I have been spending some time with a group of some of the most amazing people I have met spearheaded by none other then Utah’s own Sylvia Nibley.  At her monthly Our Community Connections meet ups I get the opportunity to meet healers, teachers, massage therapists, visionaries, philosophers, etc. and I just so happened to meet Shannon Simonelli.

Besides being a brilliant woman, a Dr. and an extremely pleasant person, Shannon does a weekly class on Tuesdays 5:30 – 7 pm called Remedy Wave.  During her class she uses movement to connect, release and you guessed it become more grounded. When I heard this, the words “I am going to go your next class” came out of my mouth before I processed it in my brain. I walked away asking my self, really? Dancing?

So here I am an hour before it starts, ready to go dance with people I don’t know (except for my trusty Team SyncCreation friend Lori McDonald) and I have no clue what to expect. I am not going to lie, I am nervous and yes I have some reserve about being a “man” and that this isn’t “the most manly” way to spend a Tuesday evening. But life is an adventure and I am choosing to put my ego aside and se what comes of this.  I have showed my cards, I am nervous, anxious, excited, and ready.  I will let you know how it goes…

…I am back, a little sore, and ready to report how it went.  I showed up to a small on the outside but big on the inside studio called Sugar Space.  As we waited for the current class to end Lori and I sat in the waiting room exchanging awkward glances and big smiles that portrayed our nervousness and excitement.

There were about nine of us in attendance and upon congregating to stretch I scripted the internal monologue “look, I am not the only male in the class” to appease my manly ego.  Shannon put on some music for us to stretch to and started explaining the 5rythms that we were going to be moving through.

Before I get too far into the 5rythms, I have to give a shout out to all my fellow beat makers and toe tappers. Every song that Shannon played had me muttering under my breath “who is this, I have got to get the name of this group”! (Think Little People meet Enigma)

Back to the 5rythms; as we started into the first rhythm which was smooth and flowing while getting in tune to what parts of our bodies were stuck, I had the thought that maybe this might just be a new spin on aerobics. But as Shannon explained each rhythm that we entered, I started to see and feel the bigger picture.

This wasn’t just about burning calories. This was about getting in tune with my body, truly listening to what it was saying, where it was storing energy and where I carried my stress, pain etc.  As the energy built, caused by both the music and the group becoming more connected and in tune, I started too really allow myself to be in the moment and feel the ground speak as my feet connected with it.

Truly present, the moment of climax shifted and the energy rolled into calm. Not the calm of something missing. It was the sweet calm of being present and perfect.  Shannon, as if she could see the wave wash over us, said “Now let your body move you.  What ever part of your body your minds attention is drawn to, move it”.

This is when it happened. In all of my years dancing in my past, I had moved my body and used it as a tool to do what I want it to do (insert life metaphor here :). With Shannon’s words and an instrumental beat version of amazing grace ringing in my ears, I succumbed to the guidance of my body.

I let my body teach me, I let the messages it had stored for years come ringing throw my limbs, I let myself be fully grounded and connected to my self.

I can honestly say I found what I was looking for. I revisited my passion for dancing, drank the movement in until I was full and walked back into my day to day being okay with bumping into other people that are dancing through their life.

I also found a way to practice listening; listening to my body, listening to the movements of others, listening to the space that I am dancing on/in and you can count on me being there on Tuesday’s clearing the stress I hold and dancing my way into being grounded.

After thought:  I do not define myself as a dancer. So, to all of you that might disregard an experience like this because you don’t dance… This is about movement! And let’s face it, we all move

Remedy Wave

Pros:

Burns Calories (1 ½ hour of dancing)

Grounding

Fun

Great music

Accepting Safe Environment

Cons:

I didn’t get to take the playlist home

Could have used a hand out (I wanted a hand out of the 5Rhythms so I could reflect and use them in my life)

Thirsty (Bring a water bottle! I couldn’t find a drinking fountain)

Right before dinner (Eat some nuts or a protein bar before you go)