Sweat Lodge and Grandpa – Part 2

Today, Friday the 13^th, 2 days after the sweat lodge. I did not write this yesterday (or post this until today) as I was letting the experience sink in as I reflected upon it. Today, the day of my Grandfathers viewing, I am ready to write. Before I poor my heart out about one of the most powerful experiences of healing I have ever had I must share something with you.

I have many people ask me why I write. Especially, why do I write such vulnerable personal feelings and thoughts and put them out so others can see them? I will go into this in much greater depth in a future article but I wanted to touch on it briefly here.

I John C Rogers believe in living life on the out side. I believe in the beauty of a world with out secrets, a world where each person openly shares their joy, pain, love, and passion so that all might see, gain strength, learn and be inspired from one another. I believe this so much that I have often found myself baring my soul to complete strangers. I believe this so much that I share this moment with you.

Wednesday night at 6 pm 5 members of the Campbell clan and 2 adopted members (my dad and My Brother in-law) showed up with an open and trusting heart. We had all been asked to come with an intention for the evening. Mine was, as I said in my previous article, to let go physically of my grandfather and to forge a bond with him spiritually.

I went into the start of the event with a belief that my clan was going to be a mess of tears and wailing from the pain of losing our grandfather. I would like to share with you my experience of what happened that night. I will respect the experience of the others that were there, as well as the ancient ritual, by sharing my experience only.  I am going to share it in the form of a letter to the men in attendance and extend the message to all of Grandfathers’ family.

Brothers, Campbell’s, clansmen, I come before you humbled and in gratitude for you. During that night as I was given the opportunity to connect and reflect I found myself in complete awe of you.

During the moment when I was invited to reflect on the masculine I took pause and reflected on Grandpa and the physical things I will miss; his smile, his solid hug, his toothpicks, him walking around trying to get us to eat more food, the way he told powerful stories and made them seem like the great events were done with ease, they way he spoke with certainty and more.

I shed some tears as I acknowledge such a powerful physical being as Grandfather. As I felt deeper into the moment and Grandpa’s strength I found myself noticing and feeling the souls of each of you there with me.  Here I was surrounded by some of the noblest of men I have ever met. My tears became tears of gratitude for Grandpa and for you.

Later that night as we were given the opportunity to connect with our ancestry, I felt grandpa so strong that I could see him kneeling down in front of me looking at me with wisdom and love in his eyes. I had the thought I should be crying. This was the time I thought all of my family would emotionally lose it. But I was not crying.

Instead I found myself yearning to speak to grandpa. I thanked him for the lessons he taught me, I told him I was going to miss him and I promised him I would carry him in my heart for ever. Upon whispering that, I stopped and my mind started to analyze what it would look like to carry him in my heart forever. I had the fear come up that I might forget, that I might forget how he looked, how he spoke, what his message was.

As I started to analyze deeper, my heart jumped back on line and I once again noticed grandpa. He leaned over to me and put his hand on my shoulder and I could feel the gratitude in his heart for me. I could feel the gratitude in his heart for the other men there. And amongst my fears of forgetting him he said “John you don’t ever have to forget, if you ever want to remember look at your brothers, look at your cousins, look in the mirror”.

At that moment I realized that Grandpa had stood so tall that he had inspired us all to walk in his foot steps. That we his children and grandchildren, are living examples of grandpa and his messages. Each of us in our own way carrying on a part of this great man.

Instantly I saw a flash of each of the members of his clan, OF OUR CLAN and I saw them through grandpa’s eyes.

Phillip, with your heart the size of the universe and beautiful tenderness.

Josh, your thrust for knowledge and the courage like that of a commander and leader of men.

Adam, with your strength and certainty in God and acceptance that is so strong you are willing to stand as a bridge from your religion to the world.

Casey, your absolute loyalty and love. A man who even with the world on his shoulders can inspire others to feel peace and at home.

Grant, your open acceptance and willingness to be a support for others, even a complete stranger.

Ryan, the nobility that can lead a kingdom by example and heart alone even in the toughest moments.

And I saw the rest of grandfather’s posterity there with us that night and I felt a pride and honor that I will never forget as grandfather once again whispered “you will remember”.

In that moment I became aware of the calmness around me; instead of the sobs of loss I felt a sea of love. I found the peace and strength to carry on knowing I will always have grandpa in my heart and more so then ever in my life I felt proud to belong to a heritage of honor, love, and leaders. Who each in their own way carry on Grandfathers message.

I stand here as a witness to each of your greatness and the greatness of our grandfather and heritage. If you ever feel alone, if you ever start to think that you don’t remember just look around… and remember. I love you all and I love you grandpa!

Sweat lodge – Grandpa Campbell, letting go physically connecting spiritually

Three months ago I sat in my first sweat lodge and for the first time truly connected with my heritage, with the blood that flows through my veins and those that came before me.  Last, Sunday November 8^th Clancy Randall Campbell, my grandfather, died.

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I come from a family that has done their genealogy work. I was also home schooled as a youth and part of our history was learning about our own family heritage so I knew about my ancestors. However, during the time between those history lessons and the sweat lodge I found myself drifting away from family. When my parents got divorced and my 3 older sisters left state, I made the decision that family sucks and they it causes unnecessary pain and burden.

Some time passed and I relinquished my family and spent time living, learning and analyzing who I was as I stood alone. However, my quest to find myself, with out my family, eventually brought me back to them. For how can I truly embrace myself if I do not embrace where I came from?

I started my own family, I started healing the distance that I created and allowed to be created between me and my existing family. I even reached out to my grandfather who once had to pay me $100 dollars to listen to him for 4 hours speak about his passion for family and their eternal bonds.

It was a slow process but over the years I was once again an active part of my family… an active part of my clan. But I was so rapped up in creating my own family that I didn’t spend much time connecting with my heritage, with the heritage that was still alive through my Grandfather…

… Until a good friend of mine Dustin Ford, pointed out how much I was like my grandfather. You see, months prior to my first sweat, Dustin and I, were discussing the men we are today and where we draw our strength from. Some how the topic of my grandfather came up and how he was a patriarch for not only our family but also many others (through Mormon Church).

In that conversation it dawned on me like never before how much I have followed, as a leader, in my grandfathers footsteps. I had seen similarities between my grandpa and I before but something about the way Dustin said it clicked in me and I could see and feel the strength and the heritage that was coming through my grandfather and in to me.

I started to really investigate this connection, I found myself asking my grandfather to share his stories, I found myself truly listening and seeing the strength and wisdom in his words. Fortunately, during the past year I found myself with my grandfather a lot, hearing the wisdom I was to angry to hear before.

But it wasn’t until I was in the sweat lodge that I truly connected with the power of my heritage. I connected with the strength and wisdom of my grandfather and the generations before him and I felt it in every fiber of my soul as their history ran through my veins.

As I went through the intensely raw healing experience, I had a recurring thought echoing from my subconscious “your family deserves to experience this”.   I could even feel the energy of my brothers, cousins and father but most of all, my grandfather, present during the sweat. Little did I know this process of healing, letting go and reconnecting with my heritage would play a huge roll in the months to come. Not only did that experience further fuel my desire to learn from my grandfather it also inspired me to pull strength from my ancestors and further nurture the relationships with my relatives.

I will go into more detail on the Sweat lodge experience later, but before that I must come back to the present. The day he died my Grandpa, Grandma, Mother, Cousin and cousin’s son hit a patch of black ice and slid of the road. The van careened down a ditch and my Grandfather was hurt to the point he could not breathe and died shortly after.

My grandfather was one of the toughest, hard working, men I have ever met. He would work longer, harder and with more commitment then men half his age. He taught me the value of hard work and getting things done even when it is hard or inconvenient.  He was the fittest 83 years old I have ever met. We used to say that Grandpa wouldn’t die from old age he would die when he ran out of stuff to do. None of us saw this coming!

There was no fowl play, no speeding, seatbelts were worn and Ryan handled the tough situation with honor that even the strongest men would find hard to muster in such a challenging situation. But grandpa didn’t make it. When my younger brother was told this, trying to find the positive in such a hard situation, he said “at least grandpa went out with his boots on”. He never had to face running out of things to do.

Here it is Wednesday the 11^th, 3 days after the accident and at 6:30 pm 5 of Grandpa’s grandsons and one grandson in-law are going to a sweat lodge. This wasn’t planned because of grandpa’s death. In fact it was supposed to happen last month but do to random events, sickness, travel, etc; it was postponed to this week, this day. Originally there were going to be coworkers and friends of mine coming to this sweat with me but they had conflicts come up and one by one my family members decided, that for some reason they we were going to come experience this with me.

I have heard a lot of people say, it was grandpa’s time, everything happens for a reason or they needed him on the other side. I don’t know how I feel about that and I have a hard time seeing why, in someone’s big plan, my grandpa had to die. But I do know that there are a lot of different events that have happened in the past week leading up to today, that have the fellow men of my clan coming together to experience a process of healing and connection with our ancestry.

I sat 3 months ago in a sweat lodge, for the first time really connecting with my heritage and with tears in my eyes from my overwhelming gratitude for those that came before me. Today I go to the sweat to let go physically of my grandfather and to forge a bond with him spiritually. My grandfather was a leader amongst men, a true example of Christ like, a kind caring man and today I go with my fellow tribesmen to honor him and to forever connect and find strength in his love. I love you grandpa…

What is Marriage? – From fighting Dragons to attaining the Grail.

When I was younger I was filled with thoughts of romance and finding my maiden in a tower. That one day I would stumble across a damsel in distress that I could prove my love for and we would live happily married ever after.  That was pre puberty when love meant hugs and kisses and proving it meant killing dragons.

During the hormonal shift of my youth, with the help from the father figures in my life, I started to morph the killing dragons into opening doors, lifting heavy boxes and prying lids off of pickle jars. Definitely not as grand as killing dragons but it was still an opportunity to prove my valor. To be honest, I was good at it.  I would often earn praises and comments like “some day you will make a great husband”.

Oh those were the days… when it was as simple as being polite and playing the roll of a valet to secure my ingrained need to be chivalries and fulfill my masculine role.  Then high school and equality hit and opening the door for someone became an insult. If we offered to open the pickle jar we might as well had called her weak. High school happened and the quest was derailed.

What happened to this 14 year old boy who had been told he would be a great husband?  Confused and having lost his ability to fulfill the role he had been raised to do, he started to listen. He started to watch how the media painted women; powerful, sexy, single, etc.  He started to see the women in his life mirroring these rolls as promiscuity in culture, everywhere from dress code to porn, started to become the status quo. Gone was the vision of his youth were the men would fight for their honor and in its place was a melting pot of young adults, hormonally charged, hopping and skipping out of high schools.

Through the ensuing years, I fell in and out of different relationships, with the confusion rising. From girls that tried to save my soul to girls who wanted to dance with the devil all night long. I started to buy into the picture that the sitcoms were painting; that we can’t live with them and we cant live with out them and that the opposite sex was to never again make as much sense as saving a maiden from a tower.

However, dancing eventually gets monotonies especially if it is the short dances of a shallow relationship.  So I decided to try once again for the holly grail of marriage and hope that maybe the praise I had received; that someday I would make a good husband, might have some validity to it.

After many failed attempts I found someone who was willing to take that leap with me. No she wasn’t in a tower, there were no dragons or curses, just a fellow human being as confused about the opposite sex as I was but as equally willing to commit to the vision of marriage.

The wedding was a dream; friends, family, love and later the honeymoon. Here I was, getting married and moving forward with chalice in hand. More often then not a fellow grail holder would pause and impart words of wisdom from their definition of marriage as they shared in our joyous day.

Married life was wonderful. I was drinking out of the grail and the water was great. Every once in a while my wife and I would put on the boxing gloves come to the center of the ring and touch love but other then that we road the crest of the honey moon phase for two whole years! Two years of good old fashion twitterpation… and then the water went dry.

In retrospect the water slowly went dry but the increase of responsibility had distracted us from noticing it. Upon realization we did a pulse check; do we still love each other? Yes. Do we still choose to be with each other? Yes. But the honeymoon phase was over, the grail empty and in its place was the same question.

Which brings me full circle; what is marriage? What were we committing to? I pulled up the vows that we wrote and read aloud at our wedding. They were beautiful words of a never ending love, for all eternity, no matter the trial or tribulation. There were words shared by the minister about through sickness and in health, some tears were shed and then “you may kiss the bride”.

If you would have asked me right after the kiss what my definition of marriage was, it would have been “marriage is a choice, a choice to be with one other person.” The beautiful woman across from me would have given a similar definition, plus or minus some more elaborate words about eternity.

However, the longer we were married the more it became apparent that each of our definitions on marriage were bigger then originally thought.  They started to include things like to be married means; you agree, you care, you listen, you come home right after work, you cook, you don’t walk away when I am talking to you, you don’t yell when our son is around, you have to do something with your life, you don’t freak out in public and you don’t act crazy.

I thought I had moved from dragons to doors, from pickle jars to shallow dances, and then leaving it all behind to dive into the depths marriage. Three years later I realized that I hadn’t moved on. Instead, I had brought all of these experiences into my marriage and more.  Not only had my need to be chivalrous joined my definition but past histories combined with the many definitions that television, movies, churches, family and society had so graciously added to our definition had created an obstacle course for my wife to dance around.

As friends and family joined the tradition of marriage, I found my self speaking my grail definition, joining the echo of those who so generously spoke at our wedding. Let me ask you this dear reader, what is your definition of marriage? If I were getting married today, what would you tell me about marriage?

Upon the realization of my ever expanding definition of marriage I was tempted to wipe the slate clean. Marriage is undefined, there is only love. I shared this wonderful epiphany with my spouse and she sarcastically replied saying “If it isn’t defined, doesn’t that mean you can cheat on me”. This snide remark showed the large holes in my new plan, had me throwing out the clean slate approach and left me to contemplation.

A few weeks went by as I continued to chew on this question of marriage. I inquired into the relationships that didn’t last and what tore them apart. I observed the relationships that stood the test of time and asked what made them so resilient. Each person shared their picture of marriage with me.

Each relationship was different but in the relationships that seemed to have a grasp on the grail, there were some reoccurring themes. These insights gave me hope; I picked up my sword and put my shield back on. Not to fight dragons, not to open the door and most importantly; not alone.

I had been on this journey for the grail by myself since my youth and even though I had said I do, I was saying I do to my description of marriage and my wife to hers. I was close when I was attempting to wipe the slate clean. Not to leave it empty in the vast see of definitions but to create a new definition of marriage with my spouse.  Weave a detailed tapestry that defines what we are choosing to create, bring the beauty from history, the clarity of the moment and using it as a guide post for our future.

Instead of using my armor to protect myself from her overwhelming definition and my weapons to push my description on her, we stand side by side with a creed in our marriage that embodies our relationship.  Instead of needing to agree so that we might feel complete in our role, we create the foundation on which we choose to stand and let the rest do as it may.

Needless to say, this new quest is not easy and we may never arrive.  However, now we have a direction, our direction! And I can’t think of a more beautiful way to spend a life long journey then with my wife.

I pray that your relationship does not get lost in your definition. Instead, I leave you with this blessing; that you might spend the rest of your life defining the depths of marriage with the one you love.

Sincerely,

John C. Rogers

-          This article is dedicated to J and Megan Looney. Thank you for being an inspiration and a light in our marriage for both Mimi and I.